September 2013

I tried so hard to clean up my truck driver mouth once I had kids.  The problem is that kids make swearing not only a necessity, but an imperative… Each morning, I resolve not to swear.  I state my intention out loud.  I drop a fork, or spill some milk, and I say “oh crumb cakes” or “Cocoa Puffs”.  Then we start our commute to school, and I’m suddenly possessed.  I can’t really help the fact that the streets of Seattle are congested, there are so many bad drivers, and extremely aggressive pedestrians and bikers.  Next thing I know, I’m dropping F-bombs right and left.  That is why I’ve invented the amazing “Bleeper Plus” app.  Please take a moment to fill out the NDA before reading further.  You see, I fancy myself as some type of genius inventor; I’ve just never gotten past the idea phase. Here’s how the bleeper+ will work. The user selects from an array of happy voices, like Mother Theresa or the Fairy God Mother.  My favorite is the Yoda voice downloadable. When I yell, you “douchey-mother-shit-bag”.  The bleeper says, “Do or Do not…there is no try.”   My other favorite is “The Hail Mary” prayer recited by Stewie Griffin any time I say a simple “God Damnit”.

1960's vintage black pumps

I admit, I had no idea what “DIY” meant.  I had to ask a friend.  My friend laughed at me and said, “of course you don’t know what ‘do it yourself’ means”.  She may be right, but when it comes to fashion, I’m a Molly Ringwald from Pretty In Pink at heart.  Way back in my high school days, before Seattle’s beloved Macklemore made it cool, I was scouring thrift stores.  My favorite haunt, while growing up in Portland, was the Red, White and Blue Thrift Store.  My sister and I would sift through endless racks of foul-smelling clothing for the perfect long black coat, a Hamburg hat, or a pair of black pointy stilettos that would complete our preppy/punk/new wave image we tried desperately to cultivate.

© 2019 Napadaisical
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