December 2013

My son was talking about his New Year’s “Revolution”, and in a flash it came to me. Something truly revolutionary for New Year’s; extend the selfless tradition of giving from Christmas, and hand out New Year’s resolutions to my loved ones.  Like gifts, these are well thought out, and meant to make those around me happier and more successful, putting them on the path to self-improvement in 2014.

1)   For my son, “Rain Man”, clean your room, and keep it clean. And since neatness counts, I’m adding legible handwriting to your list.  It won’t be long before you can use a computer for all of your writing, but until then, your teacher’s need to decipher all those jumbled and unintelligible thoughts you have in your head.

VintaframeImage2)   For my daughter, “Saffie”, you already keep your room spotless and are type A in all things, why not resolve to take a little pressure off yourself?  I am giving you permission.  But please continue your good work on keeping mommy organized, making the lunches in the morning, and keeping us on schedule. “Honey, where did I set my martini?”

3)  For my beloved husband, “Lars Lindstrom”, honestly dear, not a lot of room for improvement. But since I’m handing out resolutions as if I were the Wizard of Oz, I think a regular workout routine would be a great idea for health and well-being. I’m here to support you in any way I can, short of getting you a hot young female trainer.

4)  For my neighbor who allows the dog to do his business on my lawn, but doesn’t bother to clean it up, your New Year’s Resolution is so simple; clean up after your dog. I’m not sure who you are, but rest assured, if this situation doesn’t improve, I will find you. My cousin Salvatore offers a flaming bag-o-dog-doo-doorstep delivery service at a very reasonable price.

5)   And in all fairness, I have a New Year’s Resolution of my own; to swear less, maybe eradicate it altogether. I need to find a really good swearing rehab facility. My profanity is not my fault, it’s an addiction,beach and I really want to own up to it, and I am very sorry to all of you that my foul language has hurt or shocked in the past. But I am ready.  I realize I can’t do this on my own. Preferably I need a small beach town in Mexico with white sands and rolling waves.  I think a rigorous routine of yoga and good clean living to cleanse mind, body, and spirit, would cure me. It will take about three weeks.  I am ready to do the hard work to rehabilitate.  However, I am a little concerned about repatriation into the real world after rehab, and the pressures that cause me to swear in the first place.  I will require several follow up visits throughout the year.

620At my annual “Book Club Holiday Mixer”, the conversation inevitably led to holiday traditions, and once again, I was reminded of my failings as a mother. These women are good friends of mine, but suddenly they were speaking a foreign language about some Elf on a Shelf®. Apparently he takes up residence in their homes after Thanksgiving and these devoted mothers get up every night and move him around the house until Christmas. Of course, I had never heard of this demon who watches over the family by day, then speeds off to the North Pole every night to report to Santa the family’s activities, and whether the kids have been naughty or nice. My paranoia immediately had me believing this was yet another conspiracy to underscore my inadequacy as a parent.

Are Santa and eight flying reindeer mundane and outmoded? Surely they do an adequate job of spreading joy, and generating work for parents at Christmas. Remembering to eat or throw away the cookies left for Santa on Christmas Eve, and getting presents assembled and wrapped, provide plenty of challenges for me each year. Many a late night Christmas Eve has been spent scavenging around the house, after cooking dinner for twelve people, trying to find a piece of stale Halloween candy, a hair tie, a paper clip, anything, to put in the Christmas stockings. I think Christmas is already brimming with magical mystery and intrigue. Do we really need to add one more layer of complexity to an already over-engineered holiday?

In my household I would worry he was counting the number of bottles of wine my husband and I consume every night. Suddenly I imagined this Demon-Elf’s conversations with Santa about me, not my children. “Santa, the house is full of clutter and debris. The mom doesn’t even manage to clean the kitchen after dinner every night. And the laundry is piling up. She grabs a dirty sweatshirt off the floor for her son to wear to school. And by the way Santa, that woman is so cranky every morning. You wouldn’t believe the way she barks at her husband and children.”

And what about privacy concerns? This smirking cloven-hooved troll watches over families, taking notes; maybe he even has a hidden camera. Then he scampers off to the “North Pole” each night to report every intimate detail to “The Fat Man”? This is a flagrant miscarriage of privacy and justice. Has Edward Snowden gotten ahold of this? Hey Ed, if you are reading this, time to blow the whistle on “Project Elf”, yet another of the NSA’s insidious spy rings. Good thing you are safe in the loving arms of the Russian Oligarchy, because there are going to be some really angry moms and Pinterest Pinners who will want to tear you to shreds. Please Ed, get on this – before my kids find out about this Elf on a Shelf® business, and accuse me of not loving them.

Our House to Yours12-1From “Our House to Yours” is such a classic.  If you plan to send this one, it’s important to make a big and lasting impression.  In order to achieve this beautiful card, we borrowed the neighbors beat up Ford truck. Our whole family piled in, and we posed as gardeners to gain entrance into this beautiful and exclusive, gated community. Ironically, we asked the gardener to take our family portrait. I admit, it was a little stressful hoping the people who really live here wouldn’t drive up mid photo shoot. We also had to borrow one of our neighbor’s kids, because nothing is more “de rigueur” than three or more kids, especially during the holidays.

 

Greetings Friends and Loved Ones,

It’s been one heck of a year for our family! So many achievements and accomplishments, it’s hard to know where to start, or end.  The twins, Kale and Broc (short for Broccoli Rabe), were so busy translating Harry Potter into Latin, that they almost forgot to prepare for the National Science Fair! Luckily, at the last minute they pulled together a prototype for diffusing a nuclear bomb and won handily. They are currently composing their first concerto.  It’s hard to believe they are only eight! They sure keep Mom on her toes.

ballet vintaSpeaking of toes, our beautiful daughter, Montage, was invited to join the Bolshoi Ballet.  We turned it down because she is so busy with her commercials, modeling, and acting career. Watch out Lindsay Lohan! We joke that our sweet little “Monty” is 15 going on 25!  Luckily she is still a bookworm at heart, maintaining an A+ average.

We are still waiting for baby “Itsy” to decide on a name. We are a little afraid “Itsy” might just stick as we approach our “baby’s” third birthday.  We have done such a great job remaining gender neutral with our youngest, and have put no labels on baby “Itsy” so far.  Not only will this amazing child be allowed to name itself, but it will be given the gift to determine its gender identity in a completely neutral and unbiased atmosphere.  My husband and I congratulate ourselves every day, and hope to set a shining example for others. That’s why we hired a film crew to chronicle every moment of “Itsy’s” life from birth through the present. We’ve been shopping this amazing reality TV show, but just haven’t found the right deal. Let’s just say we are “in talks” and watch for big news in the New Year! By the way, “Itsy” is already our little athlete; soccer, lacrosse, baseball, figure skating, and trapeze!

PicMonkey Collage finalAs for Mom, between working with a “Genius Coach” to help me cope with raising such gifted geniuses, all of my charity work, redecorating our home, which I like to do every other year to keep things gleaming, and honing my gourmet chef skills, I rarely have a moment of respite. Anyone lucky enough to attend our holiday party knows that I go hog wild with my seasonal decorations. Fortunately I only need three hours of sleep a night.  As for “Big Daddy”, he’s busy buying, selling, and starting companies, training for the Iron Man, attending all the kids’ sporting events and performances, and being the biggest Husky Football and Seahawks Fan ever!

We would like to wish you a joyous holiday, and peace in the New Year.  Sorry for the impersonal letter, but I’m sure you’re just dying to know what’s going on with our family, and you couldn’t possibly have kept up with all the press we receive.  Please remember the true meaning of this most joyous of all seasons, and the purest, most resplendent gift of all that God created, and selflessly bestowed upon mankind— gold Rolexes. I know someone who’s been a really good girl this year, and has one waiting under the tree!

Love,

The Achiever Family

Hawaiin PunchHere is the second  installment of “All the Holiday Cards I Wanted to Send, but Never Did”. I debated between “So Glad You’re Not Here” and “Our Family Went To Hawaii, And All You Get Is This Effin’ Christmas card”.

My husband looks particularly strapping.  The wonderful thing about stock photography is we didn’t have to eat healthy, limit alcohol, or set foot in the gym, to be swimsuit and photo ready.  Not to mention the hours of excruciating pain my husband would have to endure waxing unsightly back and shoulder hair.

As we approached our first Christmas together, I suggested sending Christmas cards. My husband said, “Oh no, absolutely not.” At first I was dismayed; had I married the Grinch Who Stole Christmas? But my husband, ever the logical one, provided his well thought out reasoning. “People prominently display the cards they receive, and there is no way we can possibly remember to send a card to everyone we know. Invariably, someone we forgot will be at a mutual friend’s house, see the Christmas card on the mantle, and feel bad that they did not receive one.”

I suddenly felt so liberated. I can honestly claim the reason I don’t send Christmas cards is because I don’t want to risk hurting anyone’s feelings. Brilliant! However; I love receiving holiday greetings, and the idea of sending beautifully crafted cards, with my children looking angelic is so appealing. This year it occurred to me that I could indeed post Christmas cards on my blog. What an opportunity to share my holiday love with all my friends, and even people I don’t know.  While I might offend people with the content, I won’t hurt anyone’s feelings for forgetting them! This December, I am featuring all the holiday cards that I have wanted to send over the years, but never had the motivation, or permission, to do so!

© 2017 Napadaisical
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