April 2014

Mila Spring Soccer Sched 14 027I indulged my Star Wars obsessed son with Darth Vader shoes at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale this past summer. They not only light up when he walks, but feature the signature Darth Vader asthmatic breathing.

I recently bought a pair of blingified “Birkenstock” style sandals (is that a non sequitur?). I was so thrilled about this purchase. So “on-trend” at a reasonable price! They will address many a fashion need for spring and summer.

Mila Spring Soccer Sched 14 023But to my dismay, there’s a Dark Side to these slides. They too come with sound effects. They make a relentless squeaking noise with every step, even when I tip toe, walk really, really, slowly, or shuffle and drag my feet. It sounds like I went crazy at Taco Time and ate the bean burrito combo meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I find myself blushing, and explaining to perfect strangers that it’s my shoes making that strange sound. I’m not sure if anyone really believes me. I’ve been getting a lot of strange sideways glances.

The problem is that I love these shoes, and I’m trying really hard to rationalize them. Certainly I’ve made sacrifices for fashion before, usually withstanding excruciating pain for the perfect pair of Givenchy or Prada heels. Standing in H & M today, it came to me in a flurry of inspiration. I felt I had stepped into a time machine that transported me back to college. Fashion was spinning around me like a jumbled and incoherent rehash of the past. It has all been done before, while I am embarking on the last bastion of unexplored territory in the fashion world; sound effects. I’m not only setting, I’m inventing the trend, one awkward squeak at a time. I just wish my shoes sounded like birds chirping instead of intestinal gurgling…

spring 2014 017Perhaps you’re familiar with the Jack Daniel’s® Flu, but now there is Maker’s Mark® Therapy. I was recently diagnosed with lateral epicondylitis. Don’t worry, it’s not terminal. That’s the medical term for what is commonly known as tennis elbow. I grew tired of the chronic pain, so I went to see the doctor. I was hoping for a prescription for Swedish massage therapy, but was prescribed physical therapy. There is no quick fix for this particular malaise; you have to commit to doing some really boring exercises every day. I got tired of lying to my P.T. that I was doing my exercises in between scheduled visits, so now I’m on my own.

I don’t own hand weights, so I tested various household items: dusty t-ball trophies, bronze candlesticks, etc. I found the 1.75 liter bottle of Maker’s Mark® Kentucky Bourbon to be the perfect weight and shape. My pain is beginning to subside as my commitment level to my “therapy” has increased. The only problem is my trusty hand weight seems to get lighter every day; it’s often depleted after a weekend. Luckily it’s nothing a trip to the liquor store can’t remedy.

Winter Spring 2014 247My self-esteem has really taken a beating lately. These are few things I recently forgot to do. This is not for lack of trying or caring, and of course, I have all the apps, gizmos, and gadgets, designed to avoid such oversights.

1)      Lock the front door. Not only did I not lock the door, but it was left ajar, when our family left for three days. If the neighbor kids threw a party in our house while we were away, they did a great job cleaning up after themselves.  I only found one mysterious, half-empty beer bottle.

2)      Submit my daughter’s bio for her role as Tiger Lily in Peter Pan.  At least no one can accuse me of being a stage door mom. Most of the bios require editing because they can’t possibly devote a whole page enumerating the astounding list of accomplishments, awards, lessons, and performances, for each child. My daughter’s bio was concise; first and last name.

3)      Bring in the milk on Mondays.  I generally forget to do this every week.  Having a milkman deliver the milk, saves me from forgetting to buy milk at the grocery store.

4)      Re-enroll my children in their school for next year. Luckily, I was sent a friendly reminder.

5)      I remembered to sign my son up for the afterschool Lego class. But I forgot I remembered, and helego missed the first four classes, out of a total of seven.  I played dumb when he mentioned there had been several classes prior to the first one he attended.

6)      I forgot where Seattle is located. Even the most geographically ignorant among us, knows that Seattle is as west as you can drive, before falling into salt water. I was tired and confused, after a long day of skiing with my kids and my sister. We ended up in a charming, Swiss-style hamlet located east of the mountain pass.  Oops. The great news is that we had a lot of extra time to belt out Beyoncé, Celine, and Mariah ballads. Let’s keep this one from my husband. Not about heading home in the wrong direction, but the music selection.

© 2017 Napadaisical
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