February 2015

Typical Stay at Home Mom

Typical Stay at Home Mom

As a stay at home mom, I often find myself thinking of cockamamie inventions or careers that would allow me to stay home with my kids, cook dinner, keep the house relatively tidy, help with homework, work out, cart kids to and from sports, and of course, take a nap now and again.

So far, “The Bleeper” which bleeps out swear words around your children, “Sockmate”, a force field that keeps socks mated for life, and my toddler straight jacket inventions haven’t amounted to much.

Recent events gave me my Eureka moment. My friend “Karen” suspected her daughter had lice. I found myself describing what to look for over the phone, providing consolation and advice; “Don’t walk, run to the nearest lice removal treatment center, find a chimpanzee, or a non-squeamish, very thorough friend who is willing to remove every nit from your child’s head. Call everyone your family has been in contact with in the last three weeks, purchase a hazmat suit, and start the abatement process in your home. And don’t be ashamed, trust me; almost everyone gets lice except the home schoolers. Most families get it several times.”

I fielded hundreds of texts from Karen in the next twenty-four hours, and stumbled upon the perfect career; A Lice Coach.  I can see myself at cocktail parties when people ask what I do for a living. No longer will I say, “stay at home  mom”, I will proudly declare myself “A Lice Coach,” and hand out my business card that reeks of tea tree oil.

“A Life Coach?”

“No, a LICE coach. You know those little brownish grey bugs that have become pervasive in modern family life.” They will likely scratch their head and walk away. So maybe it’s not the best cocktail fodder.

Total Annihilation

Total Annihilation

I could specialize in identifying and diagnosing, counseling, consoling, and providing a coherent course of action. I will advise where and how to get treatment, plus provide step-by-step home abatement action plans. I would offer a caring, conscientious and personalized approach. There is the take no prisoners, seek and destroy, total annihilation program, but this might not be right for everyone.

For the progressive Ghandi-esque among us, “compassionate coexistence” would be the protocol. This involves making peace with the little critters, and choosing not to treat. In essence, becoming lice farmers. These folks, while having big hearts, need to be willing to give up friends, family, schools and jobs.

Girl Scout Cookie Time

Girl Scout Cookie Time

My friend Anne’s daughter is embarking on the rite of passage known as Girl Scouts. She has inherited the craft and culinary skills from her mother, and now it’s time to test her sales skills with the annual Girl Scout cookie drive. The good news is that those darn cookies sell themselves.  Our family orders at least six boxes; three Thin Mints, three Tagalongs.  Emily is off to a roaring start after just one sales call. But wait a minute! The troop leader is capping each girl’s cookie sales at thirty boxes. That’s right, I’m not talking minimums and quotas, I’m talking no girl is allowed to sell even one more box over thirty. If I didn’t have proof of the veracity of this story, I would never believe it. It simply sounds too cliché of the trophy-distributing, helicoptering, let’s-create-legislation-to-promote-fairness-for-every-aspect-of-our-children’s-lives, parenting.

Apparently the ambitious Girl Scouts that sell hundreds of boxes make the other girl scouts feel bad.  Never mind that the legendary Girl Scout Cookie drive is the most important revenue-generating fundraiser. Forget that Girl Scouting is designed to form young women into self-starting, independent young women that are “always prepared.”  I’m interpreting the “always prepared” motto as preparing young women for the real world, not the pretend world of let’s protect our children from getting their feelings hurt.

Tagalongs or Thin Mints?

Tagalongs or Thin Mints?

Fast forward fifteen years when these former Girl Scouts are out in the real world, working at The Mediocrity Corporation. I can imagine the sales meeting now. “Olivia, do you realize you sold more than your quota this quarter, thereby embarrassing your colleagues, and hurting their self-esteem?! We’ve decided to spread your sales around to the rest of the team, and your commissions as well. Please don’t let this happen again. At our company, we strive to keep all employees on equal ground, on the lowest possible playing field.  It helps moral. We realize a year from now, this company won’t exist anymore because of dismal sales, but golly darn it, our sales force can hold their heads high, knowing they didn’t try very hard…”

© 2017 Napadaisical
%d bloggers like this: