As a stay at home mom, I often find myself thinking of cockamamie inventions or careers that would allow me to stay home with my kids, cook dinner, keep the house relatively tidy, help with homework, work out, cart kids to and from sports, and of course, take a nap now and again.
So far, “The Bleeper” which bleeps out swear words around your children, “Sockmate”, a force field that keeps socks mated for life, and my toddler straight jacket inventions haven’t amounted to much.
Recent events gave me my Eureka moment. My friend “Karen” suspected her daughter had lice. I found myself describing what to look for over the phone, providing consolation and advice; “Don’t walk, run to the nearest lice removal treatment center, find a chimpanzee, or a non-squeamish, very thorough friend who is willing to remove every nit from your child’s head. Call everyone your family has been in contact with in the last three weeks, purchase a hazmat suit, and start the abatement process in your home. And don’t be ashamed, trust me; almost everyone gets lice except the home schoolers. Most families get it several times.”
I fielded hundreds of texts from Karen in the next twenty-four hours, and stumbled upon the perfect career; A Lice Coach. I can see myself at cocktail parties when people ask what I do for a living. No longer will I say, “stay at home mom”, I will proudly declare myself “A Lice Coach,” and hand out my business card that reeks of tea tree oil.
“A Life Coach?”
“No, a LICE coach. You know those little brownish grey bugs that have become pervasive in modern family life.” They will likely scratch their head and walk away. So maybe it’s not the best cocktail fodder.
I could specialize in identifying and diagnosing, counseling, consoling, and providing a coherent course of action. I will advise where and how to get treatment, plus provide step-by-step home abatement action plans. I would offer a caring, conscientious and personalized approach. There is the take no prisoners, seek and destroy, total annihilation program, but this might not be right for everyone.
For the progressive Ghandi-esque among us, “compassionate coexistence” would be the protocol. This involves making peace with the little critters, and choosing not to treat. In essence, becoming lice farmers. These folks, while having big hearts, need to be willing to give up friends, family, schools and jobs.