My son was talking about his New Year’s “Revolution”, and in a flash it came to me. Something truly revolutionary for New Year’s; extend the selfless tradition of giving from Christmas, and hand out New Year’s resolutions to my loved ones. Like gifts, these are well thought out, and meant to make those around me happier and more successful, putting them on the path to self-improvement in 2014.
1) For my son, “Rain Man”, clean your room, and keep it clean. And since neatness counts, I’m adding legible handwriting to your list. It won’t be long before you can use a computer for all of your writing, but until then, your teacher’s need to decipher all those jumbled and unintelligible thoughts you have in your head.
2) For my daughter, “Saffie”, you already keep your room spotless and are type A in all things, why not resolve to take a little pressure off yourself? I am giving you permission. But please continue your good work on keeping mommy organized, making the lunches in the morning, and keeping us on schedule. “Honey, where did I set my martini?”
3) For my beloved husband, “Lars Lindstrom”, honestly dear, not a lot of room for improvement. But since I’m handing out resolutions as if I were the Wizard of Oz, I think a regular workout routine would be a great idea for health and well-being. I’m here to support you in any way I can, short of getting you a hot young female trainer.
4) For my neighbor who allows the dog to do his business on my lawn, but doesn’t bother to clean it up, your New Year’s Resolution is so simple; clean up after your dog. I’m not sure who you are, but rest assured, if this situation doesn’t improve, I will find you. My cousin Salvatore offers a flaming bag-o-dog-doo-doorstep delivery service at a very reasonable price.
5) And in all fairness, I have a New Year’s Resolution of my own; to swear less, maybe eradicate it altogether. I need to find a really good swearing rehab facility. My profanity is not my fault, it’s an addiction, and I really want to own up to it, and I am very sorry to all of you that my foul language has hurt or shocked in the past. But I am ready. I realize I can’t do this on my own. Preferably I need a small beach town in Mexico with white sands and rolling waves. I think a rigorous routine of yoga and good clean living to cleanse mind, body, and spirit, would cure me. It will take about three weeks. I am ready to do the hard work to rehabilitate. However, I am a little concerned about repatriation into the real world after rehab, and the pressures that cause me to swear in the first place. I will require several follow up visits throughout the year.