Fun

Bumper StickerBumper stickers have long been a way to tell the world how smart you are, how subversive, or just a great way to brag a little.  In a city like Seattle, bumper stickers offer a diversion from the ennui of traffic.  I love playing the bumper sticker game in my own head; I brainstorm ideas that could really capture the imagination of our nation’s commuters.  It’s not complicated like haiku. Keep it short and snappy, yet thought-provoking. Here are a few ideas I believe to be bumper sticker worthy:

1)      My Kids Are Highly Average

2)      Bad Driver On Board

3)      Sorry, I Didn’t Mean To Cut You Off

4)      IT’s  Not Coffee In My Starbucks Mug

5)      I ♥ Traffic

6)     Global Warming, Not My Problem – This one I would affix to the bumper of my SUV and I would distribute to all my SUV driving pals.  Of course, this is meant to be cheeky.

7)     My Other Car Is A Prius – Again for the large SUV, or other fossil fuel guzzling automobiles out there. This is meant to be taken literally.

8)      My Other Car Is A Hummer – For the Prius driver with a kooky sense of humor.

9)      Jesus Saves! He Must Be A Billionaire By Now  – This is simply a lesson in compound interest.

10)    Honk If You Love Jesus – An old classic that really deserves a “revival”.  I’ve noticed a lot of drivers in Manhattan really love Jesus.  In Seattle, not so much…why am I the only one honking?

parties2Once Halloween hits, the official holiday party season ramps up, and is in full swing by Thanksgiving. And where there are parties, there are hangovers.  I think Dan Brown had it all wrong. The true Holy Grail, protected by the knights of Templar and pursued by heads of state, is the cure to the hangover.  Think about it; the symbol is a chalice, and the world’s longest running conspiracy began over wine, at the Last Supper.  Would not the knowledge to cure hangovers make someone all powerful?

As a participant-observing, cultural anthropologist, I’ve done some research on this subject over the years.  Sure, one could always abstain from alcohol or limit intake, but let’s be real here.  Quite frankly, I’m surprised that modern science has not devoted more time and energy to this malaise.  Think about the loss of productivity each and every day, all over the world, due to the “Jack Daniels Flu”.  Surely if someone cured the common hangover, they would find themselves accepting the Nobel Prize for Medicine.  Until that day, we are forced to craft our home remedies, and hide in the shadows devouring hamburgers, and French fries, accompanied by an ice cold Coca-Cola.

 

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It’s auction time at our school.  Even the most Napadaisical among us have to get up off the couch and volunteer, so I really throw my energies into creating original items. This year, I had some really fresh ideas for the procurement team that were sure to spark bidding frenzies, if not all out wars. To my surprise, my best ideas were rejected.  If you are active in fundraising at your children’s school, and really serious about driving big revenues, I suggest you try these out.  And please, let me know how it goes, I sense a whole new paradigm shift when these items are unleashed at school auctions across the nation. Obviously some of the items below only apply to parochial schools, but don’t worry, there is something here for everyone. Keep in mind, “It’s all for the chilren.” (Think Michael Jackson’s lilting, pre-pubescent voice. He REALLY LOVED children you know.)

1)  Auction off the Dads: Nine hot ones and one not so hot, but really, really, rich guy. Some restrictions may apply.

2)  Mother’s Little Helper Delivery Service:  Medications delivered to your door step for one year.  Thirty day’s supply. Hundreds to choose from. Guaranteed to take the edge off. Some medications may require a doctor’s note.

3)  A Great Dane Puppy or a Pony. Nonreturnable or refundable.  This one is so fun to do at the end of the night when everyone is good and sauced and can’t resist those cute little animals.

4)  Kindergarten Class Party at The Chihuly Garden and Glass Museum: It’s so fun watching the little shavers running amok amidst priceless blown glass artwork.  Proof of insurance required.

5)  Marriage Counseling: The winning bidders will receive 52 weeks of couple’s therapy from an accredited and licensed therapist.  Just hug it out guys!

6)  Straight A’s for Your Child for One Year! Nuff said.

7)  Hall Pass from Church for a Year:  We won’t track your attendance, but don’t think for one minute you are off the hook for tithing. 10% of your salary is the suggested donation. Monthly confession recommended, but not required.

8)  Star in your own Broadway Hit Musical: Musical of your choice performed at the 5th Avenue Theater in downtown Seattle.  Choose your role and we will surround you with a strong cast of professionals to help you from being a total bomb. Invite all your friends.  Includes two nights of performances, week days only, mutually agreed upon  dates/times. (We all have unfulfilled dreams don’t we? Would it be weird for a 40+ year old woman to don a red curly wig and belt out “Tomorrow”? Heck no!!!)

9)  Snack Provider Freedom: The winning-bidder will never again be asked to provide their child’s/children’s team, or group, with snacks for sports, and all other school sanctioned activities. Ever again, ever, ever, forever! (My personal favorite, along with #8)

10)  A Lilt® Home Perm Children’s Birthday Party: For your sweet child and up to 12 of their friends. We will curly wighost the party and administer the perms.  Your child will have a full head of curls, and a whole new attitude! The perm solution is highly toxic.  “Decorate your own respirator” will be the first activity, all materials provided by the host.  We recommend not shampooing the hair for at least three days after the treatment. As a bonus, this is guaranteed to kill lice and nits.

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My husband stopped by a neighbor’s yard sale and came home with this Ken doll.  He taped it to the bumper of my Jeep ( also known as “The Family Dumpster”), thinking he was really funny.  I decided to embrace this talisman as our protector and ambassador of goodwill.  I often see people smiling up at me as they walk by my car. I’m hoping St. Ken can say to the world, “I’m sorry I’m a road-rage-aholic, for I know not what I do. I am truly a kind and loving person when I am not driving.”

© 2017 Napadaisical
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