I recently purchased yet another polyester onesy for my son to wear for Halloween. He assured me that this new ninja costume is way better than the ninja costume he wore last year, and it’s great to add to the already overflowing costume box. Children love wearing fabric made from coal and petroleum, and it makes mothers feel so good. Luckily, I already have next year’s costume figured out.
At the Catholic grade school my children attend, the third graders dress up as their favorite saint on All Saints Day. When my daughter was in third grade, I was campaigning for St. Pauli’s Girl, the patron saint of the beer buzz. Say what you will about the Catholics, they really do know how to get their party on, and I figured this saint would have “broad” appeal (sorry for the bad joke). My daughter wasn’t all that keen on the idea, so we settled on St. Helene, in honor of her maternal grandmother.
If dressing up like a saint sounds like a boring prospect, think again. There are over 10,000 Catholic saints, and this motley crew consists of some of the most macabre, strange, and downright crazy characters in history. These guys are better than Spider Man, Iron Man or any of the Star Wars characters combined. So who is in the running for my son? Here’s the short list. And the great news is these guys didn’t wear polyester, only natural fibers, for maximum softness and environmental friendliness.
St. Lawrence, Patron Saint of Cooks. No doubt we will include a jaunty chef’s hat and oven mitts. St. “Larry” was martyred by being roasted on a gridiron and famous for saying, “it is well done, turn me over”. Who doesn’t love a saint with a sense of humor?
Santa Claus as “Pimp Daddy”, rocking the fur on the collar and cuffs. St. Nicholas dropped three bags of gold down the chimney of a poor man to provide as dowry for the man’s three daughters, saving them from a life of prostitution. Apparently career options were limited for unmarried women in the 3rd century A.D.
And finally, my personal favorite, St. Polycarp, the patron St. of Diarrhea. Typical martyr story, he was burned at the stake but didn’t die, so they had to stab him with daggers. Why he gets the dubious honor of patron saint of massive colon blowouts, is a mystery. As we know, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and Catholicism in out-right weird ways. But what an easy costume to assemble. A white toga with strategically placed brown stains. Done.