How I Predicted the Oscar Winners with 100% Accuracy

statueAs usual, I did not see any of the Oscar nominated films except the Disney animated ones, but once again I predicted the winners in the major categories, this year with 100% accuracy. I admit that this year was an extremely predictable year for an industry that loves to predictably award itself. My formula is simple and takes into consideration Hollywood’s biases and inflated sense of importance. I then take the data, plug it into the quadratic equation and apply the Dewey Decimal system. Voila! Perfect accuracy for the categories people care about.

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Matthew McConaughey, “Dallas Buyers Club.” Hollywood loves it when a gorgeous and bankable actor loses or gains a lot of weight for a role and tries to look unattractive. For women they typically have to gain weight because if they lost weight, they would simply disappear. Think Charlize Theron in Monster. Christian Bale gained a lot of weight for “American Hustle”, so this would make him a contender as well, but AIDS always trumps congressional scandal, and the ulcerated face lesion McConaghey sported made him virtually unbeatable.

Best Actress in a Leading Role: Cate Blanchett, in “Blue Jasmine”.  This one was less about applying my cateformula and more about process of elimination.  I figured the Academy has finally tired of handing out Oscars to Meryl Streep and Judy Dench.  Judy and Meryl probably don’t even bother to dust their statues anymore.  Everything seemed to point to Cate Blanchett who is an extremely good actress and beautiful, and acceptance speeches sound much better with a lovely accent.  I also didn’t think there was any risk of a backlash toward Woody Allen. Hollywood is the last bastion where pedophiles and sexual predators are still honored and protected if their body of work is considered to be of extremely high caliber.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Jared Leto, “Dallas Buyers Club.” Hollywood can’t resist the uplifting story of a prostitute dying of AIDS. Throw in transgender and it’s just unbeatable. Incidentally, Jared Leto didn’t intend to make a pro-life speech when he told the touching story of his unwed teenage mother. When asked later about his pro-life stance, he realized how offensive it must have been to his Hollywood peers.  He quickly recanted his statement and said that his mom should have aborted him.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Lupita Nyong’o, “12 Years a Slave”.  Gut wrenching performance, and she is a beautiful newcomer. Incidentally I thought her speech was hands down the best of the evening.

LupitaBest Picture: ”12 Years a Slave”; Hollywood loves an epic about the triumph of the human will. Quite frankly, I do too, and I like seeing Hollywood do what it does best. I sincerely hope they never give up on this genre.  By all accounts this was an emotionally draining and extremely moving story. The cynic in me must also acknowledge how much Hollywood jumps at the chance to congratulate themselves on confronting racism, so that certainly didn’t hurt the film’s odds.

I thought Ellen was funny and refreshing.  My son asked how they choose the host, and I explained they should be funny but not offensive to any of the special people in the audience that don’t want their feelings hurt.

I loved the appearance of the “Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come”, Kim Novak. Hollywood, heed thy warning, and be judicious with thy plastic surgery. I’m not going to mention how fast Mathew wanted to get off that stage, nor the irony of the winning movie’s title, “Frozen”.

Speaking of frozen face, my friend who was watching the Oscars with me had a great idea. She suggested the Special Effects category should be adapted to award the best plastic surgery. We decided to award the grotesque vs. the restrained.  Kim, Goldie, Liza, yes, you are nominees.  While presenting, not only did Goldie have that just rolled out of bed look but she seemed groggy. I think she must be on pain killers, because clearly her face hurts.

Leonardo, if you want to win an Oscar, you know what you have to do. No more pretty-boy characters who’ve amassed great wealth and are living the fine life of Gatsby, Howard Hughes, or Jordan Belfort. Gain or lose 100 pounds and find a role depicting someone filthy and penurious.You’ve got to get raw and gritty. Coke is too highbrow, buddy.  Smoke crack! If you need a weight gain coach, I’m your gal. If you need a new agent, I’m up for that job as well; I have plenty of time in between my daily naps.

© 2017 Napadaisical
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