It’s auction time at our school. Even the most Napadaisical among us have to get up off the couch and volunteer, so I really throw my energies into creating original items. This year, I had some really fresh ideas for the procurement team that were sure to spark bidding frenzies, if not all out wars. To my surprise, my best ideas were rejected. If you are active in fundraising at your children’s school, and really serious about driving big revenues, I suggest you try these out. And please, let me know how it goes, I sense a whole new paradigm shift when these items are unleashed at school auctions across the nation. Obviously some of the items below only apply to parochial schools, but don’t worry, there is something here for everyone. Keep in mind, “It’s all for the chilren.” (Think Michael Jackson’s lilting, pre-pubescent voice. He REALLY LOVED children you know.)
1) Auction off the Dads: Nine hot ones and one not so hot, but really, really, rich guy. Some restrictions may apply.
2) Mother’s Little Helper Delivery Service: Medications delivered to your door step for one year. Thirty day’s supply. Hundreds to choose from. Guaranteed to take the edge off. Some medications may require a doctor’s note.
3) A Great Dane Puppy or a Pony. Nonreturnable or refundable. This one is so fun to do at the end of the night when everyone is good and sauced and can’t resist those cute little animals.
4) Kindergarten Class Party at The Chihuly Garden and Glass Museum: It’s so fun watching the little shavers running amok amidst priceless blown glass artwork. Proof of insurance required.
5) Marriage Counseling: The winning bidders will receive 52 weeks of couple’s therapy from an accredited and licensed therapist. Just hug it out guys!
6) Straight A’s for Your Child for One Year! Nuff said.
7) Hall Pass from Church for a Year: We won’t track your attendance, but don’t think for one minute you are off the hook for tithing. 10% of your salary is the suggested donation. Monthly confession recommended, but not required.
8) Star in your own Broadway Hit Musical: Musical of your choice performed at the 5th Avenue Theater in downtown Seattle. Choose your role and we will surround you with a strong cast of professionals to help you from being a total bomb. Invite all your friends. Includes two nights of performances, week days only, mutually agreed upon dates/times. (We all have unfulfilled dreams don’t we? Would it be weird for a 40+ year old woman to don a red curly wig and belt out “Tomorrow”? Heck no!!!)
9) Snack Provider Freedom: The winning-bidder will never again be asked to provide their child’s/children’s team, or group, with snacks for sports, and all other school sanctioned activities. Ever again, ever, ever, forever! (My personal favorite, along with #8)
10) A Lilt® Home Perm Children’s Birthday Party: For your sweet child and up to 12 of their friends. We will host the party and administer the perms. Your child will have a full head of curls, and a whole new attitude! The perm solution is highly toxic. “Decorate your own respirator” will be the first activity, all materials provided by the host. We recommend not shampooing the hair for at least three days after the treatment. As a bonus, this is guaranteed to kill lice and nits.