I am not a conspiracy theorist. I’m a skeptic.The problem is conspiracies not only abound, but are proliferating. It’s obvious the CIA wanted to get rid of Tupac. And that strange floating eye on the dollar bill clearly represents something sinister. A secret so powerful and destructive to all of humanity, protected and passed down through the ages by the Priory of Scion, the Knights of Templar, and The Little Rascals.
No, I am not immune to conspiracy theories, and from time to time I fall victim. I don’t wish to create mass hysteria, but right now hundreds of thousands of us have fallen pray to a fiendish corporate plot.
I’m calling it the “Poison Apple” conspiracy. Apple Computer is sabotaging all prior versions of the iPhone. They are lashing out at those of us who did not upgrade immediately to their new folding phone. Much has been made about the iPhone 6.0 and its glitches. But nobody is talking about a systemic and diabolical plot against slow adopters. Some of us had better things to do than stand in line all night for the iPhone 6, as if Van Halen reunited, and David Lee Roth found his marbles.
I’m talking about those of us still hanging on to obsolete iPhone 4’s and 5’s. If you fall into the late adopter camp, I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that you are experiencing one or more of the following issues:
- Voicemail constantly repopulating deleted voicemails from the last three months, than declaring your voicemail full.
- Your entire contacts list mysteriously disappearing.
- No Internet access.
- You can receive texts, but replies are undelivered; a particularly torturous form of existential Hell.
I imagine a secret room in the bowels of Apple headquarters in Cupertino, where a team of Oompa Loompas work day and night hacking into old versions of the iPhone and wreaking havoc. Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory went broke after that blasphemous remake of the original classic. I can’t really blame the Oompas, lured by stock options and the promise that some of their Apple colleagues sport the same green hair. Finally, they fit in.
“Oompa, Oompa, oompa de do..If you don’t upgrade, we’ll cause trouble for you…” I can hear them singing that hauntingly ominous melody.
Well I’m here to say, that I’m not going to take it Apple! Don’t be such an Apple! (Thanks Annoying Orange.) I’m blowing the whistle. And just to show you I mean business, I’m waiting to upgrade until the next version of iPhone 6.0 arrives, and you’ve worked out the bugs.